Category Archives: Daily devotions

I embrace 36! 

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I embrace 36! 

Last thoughts as a 35 year old. 
We live in a highly scripted world, where what we truly believe and know to be true of ourselves lies heavily beneath paradigms. One of those scripts is on age. There is an illogical loathe for age , an anti ageing movement within our society. 

While I am not one to still proclaim to be forever 21 or 30, I did identify a mild resistance at the arrival of each birthday after I turned 30. I started thinking about turning 36 a few months ago and my true feelings over the years about ageing. The scripted lives we live have us thinking that there is something to fear or despise about ageing mostly because the physical dimension is more elevated in our society, than thee the social, spiritual and mental part of our humanity. But when I searched my soul I realised it was more about my turning a year older without feeling like I’ve accomplished certain things. 

I searched myself for these “things” and found that I was being held captive by another script. The script tells you what you need to have acquired by a certain age and when you fall short of the expectations in the script, turning an age older might not feel fantastic. The next question that came, was “do you want any of these things”, and for the most part it was a yes. But this question opened up an even more important question “what is most important to you?” And I realised, for the most part, I have a lot of these things. They don’t all take the shape and form in the script but they are there, ready to be cherished. 

This year’s birthday is “especially” special: I was diagnosed with cancer over 5 years ago and in the cancer universe, the five year mark is a big deal. I think it is a big deal. I am exceedingly grateful and I do acknowledge that maybe this gives me a little vantage point on the gifts of ageing: the gift of wisdom, the gift of insight, the gift of second, third , fourth chances; the gift of experience. Ageing means we have Life, we get to live out our hopes, dreams and sometimes unfortunately, our worries and fears. How blessed we are to be alive, older and hopefully wiser. We get to try again or move on to a new challenge. When we ask for more time to spend with our families , to achieve our dreams, we are asking for the grace of ageing. Long life, and ageing are two ends of the same stick. You cannot pick one end without the other. 

 

So as I sit in reflection on my last day as a 35 year old, I plead with myself, to be kinder to myself, to forgive myself of the stupidity of my youth; to embrace the ageing, the challenges and to be grateful for all that love me. I embrace the tough lessons, the difficult-to-get-over life lessons. I sit in quiet expectation of the unfolding of my being, careful not to be impatient and slowly stepping out of the shadows of fear. Love is all around me, in different shapes and forms! 
I embrace 36. 

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Dabbling in Kindness!

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I’m constantly finding myself struggling with trying to find time for acts of of kindness and focusing on my own personal growth and issues.

There was a time I feel like the two weren’t mutually exclusive and in doing one – being mindful of the existence and needs of others- one found themselves in a state of constant growth. Lately it has been a great challenge to balance the two. I constantly find myself between periods of feelings of selfless abandon and selfish introspection. Personal growth has become more academic and prescriptive and less practical and engaging. The world on the other hand, has gotten bigger and our exposure to the number of people we need to spare a thought for has increased tremendously. The strangers with illnesses who’s pictures we are asked to “like” in order to cheer them on or to praise them for their clean bill of health occupy our newsfeed. We are now even asked to prove our faith by sharing a picture of Jesus.

I have made a conscious decision not to like any picture for which I haven’t the time or presence of mind to really spare a thought for. I feel our efforts sometimes really amount to nothing more than a guilt ridding act. We don’t really have the time or compassion to care, but that click and seeing the update in our newsfeed gives us comfort. But even that very decision feels uneasy; am I being overly analytical of what simply is a small act of kindness? Maybe it is better to have a minuscule effort than none at all?

What I do know is that today, I stopped to think about something; how I got this job initially on the basis of someone being on long term sick leave, and how they are still battling their illness. I thought about how many times, I probably moaned about waking up and how on very few occasions I spared much thought to the person who’s health situation afforded me this opportunity. And even as I did, I realised that the thought alone had no compelling effect. I don’t feel any guilt about the initial circumstances of my employment, as one knows life has an awkward sense of humour. But it did lead to me think that sparing a thought isn’t sufficient for my well being. My caring for others has been diminished to mere “spared moments” which at some point were sufficient to mask my guilt but over time has also contributed to my lack of tangible growth. While I may spare kind thoughts and engage in philosophical discussions on the grand issues of poverty, healthcare, I’m lacking on the acting part of it.

Its’s not that we spend a large amount of time on things that have little or no impact on the real life we live. Somehow social media has become the real life and the physical world we inhabit,a mere inconvenience and so we engage in little or no charitable efforts ; after all we liked and shed a few tears on the post of a dog that died saving a child.

Im hoping to do something I can be proud of this 2014.

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Growing pains

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My thoughts and emotions today are all over the place. Good luck reading.

No more claiming to not be a morning person. 6am starts have sorted that one out. I have a choice here and I want to be as alive as possible so the challenge is to be as bright eyed as is humanly possible.

So I am one of those fussy, emotional mummies. Who knew ! Took me for ever to settle myself and get off that bus. Today’s mantra ? My baby’s going to be ok. First time for everything, right? ( first time putting my daughter on the school bus)

Note to self: Other people are capable of looking out for my child too. Chill!

I can’t celebrate another year of your existence Mum. Memories and emotional recollections be my solitude. What ifs are a momentary relief but your love , now that’s a keeper.

Extra hour to my morning – more writing time!

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Procrastinator-Perfectionist

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I have a project I’m working on and for a long time I just couldn’t get started. The usual reasons of not enough hours in the day, too many things on my list always occupied the space in my mind that should have been creating.

But one thing stuck with me when I woke up this morning; i’m so nervous! I’m very passionate about this project and I want it to go right. But the fear of messing it up has gripped me into a state of do-nothing. My mind has then come up with as many excuses not to start but I’m all out. The desire to do this and see it through has exceeded my unfounded fear of failure. And for some reason today, my day has been laid out in such a way that I have all the time to get things done.

Project work recommences today and I’m going to do my best. That’s good enough for me. The rest I leave to the Universe.

Stay blessed and just do it!

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The Fixer

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The fixer!

I’m officially a Scandal addict and look forward to each new episode with vicious anticipation.

Watching Olivia Pope deal with each client’s issues got me thinking of how some people gravitate towards being natural fixers. We all know people like that, always on hand to help out. Some of us are unrepentant fixers; it just comes naturally.

Everyone has issues in their lives, even fixers like Olivia Pope but so often they’re out there helping out other people with little attention to the storm brewing in their own teacups.

It’s tough being a fixer but instinct constantly overrides common sense. Just because you know, love or are related to someone doesn’t mean their problems are yours to fix. But the hardest part for a fixer is not being able to help someone especially one you love. There are things above any fixer, even one of Olivia Pope’s calibre.

But one thing a fixer always needs to know is to take time out for self. You can’t give out something when it’s all spent. The world is full of problems to solve but they aren’t all ours to fix.

Note to self, take a break!

Stay blessed.

B

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